The Eldest Daughter

Today I woke up tired of being the eldest daughter. The many hats that come with this role is fucking exhausting and I’m finally ready to admit how much I hate it. 

I used to take pride in being the eldest sibling. Being able to call the shots when my parents weren’t around, the feeling of being able to provide or show up for my siblings when my parents couldn’t; that type of authority excited me starting at the tender age of 11, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized what being the eldest daughter means–becoming the second mother within the family. 

I can recall when my role within my family escalated. I was in college working a job that paid $9.25 an hour, yet I was the one saving my family from evictions. I remember feeling so infuriated anytime I’d be asked for money. “I’ll pay you back,” they’d promise, but that never happened, and even though they’d never pay me back, I kept giving because I felt like it was what I needed to do. More than that, whenever I would spend money on myself, I’d feel immense amounts of guilt and fear. “What if someone needs help and you have to say no because you spent that money on yourself?” an anxiety-ridden voice would whisper from inside me.  I hated it. And I hated that I would allow it to consume me.

Back then, I didn’t have the courage to speak up about how I was feeling. My family was already struggling so much, so how dare I make things worse - right? It’s taken a lot of inner work, but slowly, I finally began telling myself that I work hard for my money and I deserve to spend it on myself when and how I want to. And though I’ve worked up some courage to speak up a little bit to my family, for the most part, I still struggle with telling them, “no” when they ask me for money.

I can’t help but feel like being the eldest daughter has robbed me of a full childhood. I had to grow up so quickly and have my shit in order so that everyone could rely on me in different ways. From my car, to my money, to my credit - I’m their go-to person. I don’t know what it feels like to not have my family rely on me in some way, and to be honest…

I’m exhausted. 

I tell myself that my parents did the best they could with where they were - emotionally, mentally, and financially - but still, such a big part of me resents them for normalizing the idea that I’ll always be the one to have things figured out. Most days, I resent everyone in my family for having someone like me to rely on, when I have no one to rely on at all. And some days, I resent myself never putting my foot down.

I’m sure being the eldest daughter can be a beautiful thing for some women, but because I  lacked boundaries most of my life, being the eldest daughter has always been a challenge. 

Writing about this is the first time I’ve allowed myself to be completely honest about my woes around being the eldest daughter, and you know what? I’m proud of myself for that.

For the longest time, I thought, “Maybe someone will swoop in and save me one day. Or maybe if I move far away from everything and everyone, then people wouldn’t be able to rely on me anymore.” But as I’ve continued to move through this chapter of my life that is loaded with inner work, I’ve had to come face-to-face with reality: The root of my exhaustion and resentment has been my own lack of boundaries and avoiding my truest feelings.

I know I have to put myself first now, and because it’ll be something new to both myself and my family, I also know that I’m going to have to give myself as much grace as possible as I evolve into a new woman. Then again, maybe this woman isn’t new. Maybe she’s always been with me and I’ve just been too afraid to let her live out in the open.

If you are the eldest daughter and this has all resonated with you, I hope, at the very least, you feel seen. And I hope that I’ve been able to inspire you to start working on learning how to set boundaries and put yourself first.